Thursday, April 21, 2011


Relationship is a means to an end versus an end in itself. The true purpose of relationship is the full flowering of each partner but only those who conquer fear reach the seventh stage of relationship : Allen L Roland

Most people are afraid of love because they are afraid of their deepest joy, delight and inner freedom and are trapped by a fear of deep vulnerability and intimacy.

In relationship, we must reach a place where being honest and being true to yourself is more important than the survival of the relationship! Let me illustrate this using Stendhal's and Roland's seven stages of a love relationship :

1. ADMIRATION " I really admire you as a person "

2. BEGINNING OF DESIRE “I think I'd like to get to know you better."

3. HOPE " I hope you feel the same way about me "

4. INCEPTION OF LOVE " I think I'm falling in love with you "

5. FIRST CRYSTALLIZATION " I see the beauty and perfection within you "

6. DOUBT, FEAR AND/OR JEALOUSY, ANGER AND RESENTMENT " You're going to hurt me or betray me like others have "

This is where Stendhal ended his six stages of love for it is the stage where most, if not all, emotional relationships end with mutual anger, resentment or fear submerging all traces of the original love. What we do not realize in this stage is that these feelings are often associated with earlier childhood or relationship hurts we felt with loved ones and we are face to face with the decisions we made at that time to repress and deny our deepest feelings ~ because there was seemingly no-one there for us. We can either run, as most people do, or go inside and go through these fears by not denying the love, taking accountability for these feelings and stop being a victim! You cannot escape stage six until you are willing to go inside, take total accountability for your actions and feelings and stop denying love. This takes great courage but the payoff is immense! Resentment doesn't heal! Anger doesn't heal! Only love truly heals!

7. ROLAND'S SECOND CRYSTALLIZATION " I feel the beauty and perfection within myself and I'm sharing it with you and the world "

This Stage cannot be accomplished unless we realize our ultimate quest in life is to fully experience our authentic self and our connection to our original state of soul consciousness and an innate connection with the world.


"Until I let go I cannot grow ", "Great love can both take hold and let go." When you let go in relationship, you do not let go of the love. To let go with love you must, in essence, consciously love your partner. Your self respect will be your guide. You must reach the place where you can say that it’s more important that I love myself than you loving me. Conscious love (non-possessive, non-dependent and unconditional love) is rarely obtained between humans. The conscious love motive, in its most developed state, is the wish that the object should arrive at its own innate perfection ~ regardless of the consequences to the lover or partner. It is total unconditional love and when we come from this place we are embracing our deepest spiritual essence and a state of soul consciousness within ourselves. The paradox of this attitude is that such love always invokes eventually a similar attitude in its objects because we all seek, at the deepest level, to be unconditionally loved. As such, when we allow love to be our guiding intention through our thoughts and feelings and learn to trust unconditional love ~ we begin to see through clearer eyes and all things come into perfect balance and harmony,

Jesus consciously or unconditionally loved and the reason we have never forgotten him is because that same capacity to consciously love and be loved lies deepest within each one of us ~ but many of us have looked outside and externalized it versus gone inside and internalized it as I do with my clients as a heart centered psychotherapist.

The path to the soul is always through doors of fear and most of those fears appear in relationship. You don't realize those fears are illusions until you stop denying love and go through them. Only then can you truly claim the greatest gift ~ yourself.

Only then can you become a fragment of life's heart and transcend time and space in the process ~ for the hearts' desire is to love so deeply that we become one with a Unified Field of love and soul consciousness as well as claim our part in an evolving loving plan and always from a place of inner celebration and delight.

Allen L Roland

Freelance Alternative Press Online columnist and psychotherapist Allen L Roland is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements and private consultations ( )

Allen L Roland is a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his web log and website He also guest hosts a monthly national radio show TRUTHTALK on


  1. O/T - Allen,
    Three quick things.
    I felt you should see this if you have not. I have made my comments about it on my facebook page. Perhaps you know some more people who would donate to the project, too. - this last one has the pdf to download that is an excerpt from the book. I feel it needs to be absorbed - not read - and passed along.
    I've made sure some well known people in the antiwar movement have seen it. WAR IS NOT PEACE for anyone. And although this does not cover all the horrors of war even in Iraq it does two things (1) show that torture includes things you never even thought of, and (2) if on has any lingering vestiges that war accomplishes something, this should disabuse them of that notion.

    2. I was real grateful for you post re tax day. I am an Uncutter now, and keep a blog daily about tax evasion, I posted you column and the links and they really got passed around. Tip of the hat, and thank you!

    I am trying to thoroughly research ALEC and discover, in particular, what they are up to re TAX PROPOSALS, becuz as we know, they cannot possibly be equalitarian! If you run across anything good, would you forward it to me? AND if you would write about your reactions to it and the stuff coming out about it. This is SLIME that must be exposed to the light. Protests are coming 28 29 April in Cincinatti .. as well they should.

    3 I am most impressed w/the sucess of your Band of Brothers project and the stats! I like your take about them, too! I just graduated from a certified peer counselor program, as they changed the law here in MN and I lost my old credentialing. Now NO JOBS, as if those suffering from dual disorders don't need help. Money to train us, no money to employ us!! If you don't know about Recovery Innovations in AZ, you really should.

    As Chris Hedges (who I consider "my minister" says: Don't give up! and Keep Fighting Back!, Allen, but I know you won't as you are just too damned loving for THAT !!
    <3 <3 <3

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